Tomorrow marks the 14th anniversary of not my father’s this time, but my mother’s death. They both died about a month apart. I was 4 when I became an orphan… I’ve struggled every day… every single day. Of my entire life. To be something. To not be a tragedy. To achieve what I know I’m capable of. And to never be a pity case. Because I’m not. No, Kaori Rosalie Manyika is stronger than that. Both of my parents relied on drugs to do something for them. To build them up, they didn’t want to hold themselves up. It seems so weak to me. Do what you were put here to do, go through your days as your real self. Don’t fuck up your self. Don’t do it. I don’t care if it’s just a little or a lot or an addiction or just because you feel like getting high. Fucking think. For 5 seconds, think of the way things are supposed to be like… you are stronger than that. I wish someone would’ve got that through my father’s head.. my mother’s…
Sometimes I wonder if I was the one who was supposed to do something. But I’m only a girl. I was only a little girl then. My father died of an overdose, a month later my mother gets shot in the head for not giving up what she had on her. I sometimes wish things didn’t have to be that way. I was angry at them for years. So mad at them for abandoning me. I needed them. Growing up I had nobody.
I went back and forth through foster homes. Nobody keeping an eye on those people like they should… abused and neglected and bullied and angry and sad. I was nothing and I had nothing going for me. Everyone I ever talked to, turning their backs on me because I was a shutout. I hated every second of everything I was and everything that I was headed to being.
I changed. It was my only choice, I traced down my father’s daughter (different mothers) and found a home. A step sister and a step mother. A step sister who never turned her back and a step mother who gave me a privilege. I got to stay. She hit me and yelled at me sometimes… I know she hated me, hates me still. But I tried all I could. I was so grateful. It was better than those foster homes. It was better than back and forth across the fucking state. It was better than hating myself. It was better than hurting… it was better than being alone.
But, things changed again. I’m back to nothing. Back to no one. I’m building up all over again. All on my own. I have a few people who seem to be turning their backs. It hurts. And with tomorrow coming, everything piling up. I want to do something that would make my mom and dad proud. I want to be somebody. Something worth the gift God’s giving me. It’s hard all on my own… I’m struggling… but I’m managing. I can’t forget that I’m stronger than this.
Guys who wear these. <3
